Betrayal trauma is a unique form of psychological injury that goes beyond the typical breakups, infidelity and conflicts. Rooted in a breach of trust, it can affect not only romantic relationships but also friendships, family bonds, and even professional environments. In this blog post, we’ll explore the complex nature of betrayal trauma, its causes, effects, and, most importantly, how to heal from it.
What is Betrayal Trauma?
Betrayal trauma occurs when someone or something, such as a system or work environment with whom we deeply trust or depend on, violates our trust. The trauma is not only about the specific act (such as infidelity, deception, or manipulation) but also about the rupture in the emotional safety we felt with that person or environment. Betrayal trauma can be particularly damaging because it often comes from those we rely on for security and stability, such as a partner, family member, or close friend.
The theory of betrayal trauma was first developed by psychologist Dr. Jennifer Freyd, who observed how betrayal impacts survivors of abuse and trauma. Her work showed that betrayal is especially traumatic because it shatters our foundational beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world around us.
Forms of Betrayal Beyond Infidelity
While betrayal trauma is often associated with infidelity, it can stem from many other situations where there’s a breach of trust:
- Friendships: A close friend who shares private information, lies, or otherwise deceives us can cause significant emotional harm.
- Family Relationships: Family betrayal can be especially traumatic, as it goes against the expectation of unconditional support. Examples include abusive family members, toxic dynamics, and lack of support during critical times.
- Professional Settings: Workplace betrayal trauma can occur when coworkers or employers violate boundaries, engage in favoritism, or create hostile environments. Being undermined, ignored, or gaslighted in professional settings can impact one’s self-worth and sense of safety.
- Health and Institutional Betrayal: People sometimes experience betrayal trauma when systems meant to protect them, such as healthcare, fail or even harm them. This is especially true in cases where institutions, like medical facilities or law enforcement, disregard, dismiss, or mistreat individuals.
Why Does Betrayal Hurt So Much?
Unlike other types of trauma, betrayal trauma affects a person’s ability to feel safe in relationships. The sense of betrayal triggers an existential crisis: we question the nature of trust, our worthiness of love, and the reality of our relationships.
Psychologically, betrayal can trigger intense cognitive dissonance. The brain struggles to reconcile the image of the person we trusted with their betrayal. This dissonance can lead to symptoms commonly seen in trauma, such as hypervigilance, flashbacks, numbness, and emotional dysregulation. The trauma affects self-esteem, sense of security, and one’s ability to trust in the future.
The Impact of Betrayal Trauma on Mental Health
Betrayal trauma can have long-lasting effects, especially if left unresolved. The effects often manifest as:
- Anxiety and Depression: Feelings of betrayal can lead to persistent anxiety, especially related to trust issues and fears of future betrayal. Depression is also common, as the sense of betrayal can make people feel worthless or hopeless.
- Attachment Issues: People who experience betrayal trauma may struggle with attachment. Some may become hyper-attached, needing constant validation to feel safe, while others may avoid closeness out of fear of being hurt again.
- Hypervigilance: Those affected may become overly vigilant, always on the lookout for signs of betrayal, which can strain current relationships.
- Self-Blame: Often, survivors of betrayal trauma internalize the experience, thinking they could have done something to prevent it, which exacerbates feelings of shame and self-doubt.
Steps to Heal from Betrayal Trauma
Healing from betrayal trauma is a journey that requires self-compassion, reflection, and often professional support. Here are some steps to start the process:
- Acknowledge the Pain: Recognize and validate the betrayal’s impact on your life. Sometimes, people dismiss their own pain or tell themselves they should just “move on.” Allow yourself to feel the pain and acknowledge it as real and valid.
- Challenge Self-Blame: Self-blame is common in betrayal trauma, but it is essential to remind yourself that betrayal says more about the other person than it does about you. Working with a therapist can help dismantle internalized shame and shift the blame to where it truly belongs.
- Establish Boundaries: Sometimes, distancing yourself from the betrayer, or even taking a break from relationships that trigger memories of the trauma, can be helpful. Setting boundaries protects you from further harm and allows space to heal.
- Seek Support: Whether through therapy, support groups, or trusted friends, sharing your experiences and having them validated can aid in the healing process.
- Engage in Self-Care: Trauma takes a toll on the body as well as the mind. Activities that support your physical health, like exercise, meditation, or creative hobbies, can help release the stress stored in the body.
- Reframe Your Story: Part of healing involves seeing yourself not as a victim of betrayal but as a survivor who has grown from the experience. This reframing can give you a sense of agency and strength.
Moving Forward
Betrayal trauma can feel like a life-altering wound, but it doesn’t have to define you. By acknowledging the pain, seeking support, and slowly rebuilding trust, you can emerge from betrayal trauma with a deeper understanding of yourself and your needs. Healing is a gradual journey, but with each step, it’s possible to rediscover a sense of safety, rebuild confidence, and regain faith in relationships.
Remember, your pain is valid, and healing is possible.
